I cannot believe that next month makes two years since i last saw my dad. These last two years are not treated me well. There were times when thing felt like they were getting better, but then it all shifts back.
I have been on and off anti-depressants and in and out of psychology but every time I feel like I’m back on my feet, something knocks them from beneath me.
We have moved house. It breaks my heart not to live at home anymore. There have been so many amazing memories in that house, its where most of my memories with dad are. Mum wanted a fresh start, to get away from the memories and create new, less painful ones. Thats probably the one way that I’m different from her, she needs to run from the memories and i want them wrapped around me like a blanket.
For the longest time I was so angry at her for making us move, for not listening to my needs and opinions. Seeing how much of a difference this move has made for her warms my heart though. I am still adjusting to this new life but seeing her happy and closer to her normal self makes me happy beyond words.
I’ve done a lot in the last two years, I’ve also done nothing. I was studying business at a private college in the city, but my mental health issues made me quit. After that I did nothing for 12 months. I then started a baking course, I enjoy baking but for some reason the thought of going to class gave me panic attacks and made me want to curl in a ball and cry all day. So you guessed it I quit that course too.
Things started to look up last October when I got a job working in a Government call centre. I would be working with the homeless and disadvantaged, trying to help them gain a greater quality of life.
For the first few months this job was everything I needed. I had a routine, a purpose. I was getting out of the house and meeting new people. I was good at this job and progressed to more meaningful projects.
For the majority of my time there I made outbound calls. While I still heard a lot of disturbing things and got abused a fair few times, I was able to control the conversation, I could handle it. I then got moved to answering calls and things took a sharp turn. All of a sudden I was listening to stories of rape, suicide, death poor children left without a home. It was all too much and I was not dealing with it.
As a result my anxiety and depression came back with no warning but stronger than ever. I started calling in sick to work a lot, I wasn’t sleeping, thoughts of hurting myself were always in my head. Lucky I had a very understanding manager and she and I decided it would be best if i quit my job and focused on me.
So thats what I’ve been doing, for the last few months I don’t sleep until 4 in the morning, sometimes not at all. I sleep all day and when I am awake I lay on the lounge and hate myself and everything my life has become.
I am trying to get out of this mind frame. To try and get my sleeping back to normal but its just so hard. I have no motivation to do anything and everyday that I don’t feel better I feel worse.
My psychologist thought it might be a good idea for me to write. To get my thoughts out of my head and maybe say some of the things I am unwilling to say to her. So I’m trying this again.
Fingers crossed this helps, somethings got to.